"No news is... good news?"

Thus far, 2011 has proven to be MY year. Everything has gone right thus far, and even though I know it's bound to end some time or another, I'm enjoying my happiness while it's here.

I've been blessed with friends in the most unlikeliest of places, and what do you know? I've actually found a guy who likes being around me as much as I like being around him. I'm trying not to over think this one, dear reader. Just this past weekend, I worried myself into a panic at the mere thought of him showing-up at my house... Ugh.

Last night, one of my best friends and I had a long conversation about what exactly is wrong with me. My childhood is splattered with random memories, most of which I'd rather not remember. And honestly, the sad part is, that's really ALL that I remember... I can't seem to recollect anything (good) prior to my eighth birthday. All of the things that I do recall, however, are for the most part traumatic.

I wrote a paper on this one time. It's a known fact that the brain can subconsciously forget certain memories if too traumatizing. However, the exact opposite can be said, as well. In certain cases, the brain holds to damaging memories, allowing the subconscious to develop outstanding defense mechanisms as a result--defense mechanisms so "developed" that they can hinder the ability to form relationships, perform daily tasks, or even function properly in society. Herein lies my problem.

It seems as though the guys that I like never like me... Or, could it be that I purposefully choose those who I know--consciously or otherwise--will never have an affinity for me? Do I set myself up for immediate failure, failure that, in the end, brings me closure and thus, comfort?

For those who do fall for my charm--ha!--I immediately start to panic. I dread the thought of seeing them, I get anxious at the sight of "our" future, I regret ever leading them in that direction.

It would be naive of me to believe that the troubles of my past and the current state of my present aren't related in some form or another. The question is: how I do reconcile the two? Or better yet, is it even possible to do so?