"Snap, son!"

Man, oh man.

Thus far, '11 has been the best. Granted that there have been certain people that have left my life--some by choice, others by obligation--all in all, believing that everything happens for a reason, I choose to smile and continue on.

Love has yet to find me in its path. I keep waiting, day in and day out. A couple of months ago, I remember writing something to the extent of, "Does the 'work in progress' stamp on my forehead harbor a sudden dismissal by potential boyfriends?" and I don't think a day goes by in which that doesn't cross my mind. Does the sign warrant a "next, please"? Quite frankly, I believe that it does.

I continue to try and--unfortunately? regrettably? thankfully?--fail with each striking glance I give at church, at a club, at the local bookstore.

Some say that the second you quit looking for something, you'll find it (love, especially), but I just can't bring myself to halt my search. Who knows? Maybe the next post you'll see, dear reader, is that of love finally finding me, and there attached to the paragraph below will be a picture of a hand, clasped over top of another, and a ring resting amid the flesh...

Or, you'll just see another post griping about some boy or work or how my dog chewed yet another hole in my comforter.

Regardless, life will go on and the smile will be there tomorrow.

"No news is... good news?"

Thus far, 2011 has proven to be MY year. Everything has gone right thus far, and even though I know it's bound to end some time or another, I'm enjoying my happiness while it's here.

I've been blessed with friends in the most unlikeliest of places, and what do you know? I've actually found a guy who likes being around me as much as I like being around him. I'm trying not to over think this one, dear reader. Just this past weekend, I worried myself into a panic at the mere thought of him showing-up at my house... Ugh.

Last night, one of my best friends and I had a long conversation about what exactly is wrong with me. My childhood is splattered with random memories, most of which I'd rather not remember. And honestly, the sad part is, that's really ALL that I remember... I can't seem to recollect anything (good) prior to my eighth birthday. All of the things that I do recall, however, are for the most part traumatic.

I wrote a paper on this one time. It's a known fact that the brain can subconsciously forget certain memories if too traumatizing. However, the exact opposite can be said, as well. In certain cases, the brain holds to damaging memories, allowing the subconscious to develop outstanding defense mechanisms as a result--defense mechanisms so "developed" that they can hinder the ability to form relationships, perform daily tasks, or even function properly in society. Herein lies my problem.

It seems as though the guys that I like never like me... Or, could it be that I purposefully choose those who I know--consciously or otherwise--will never have an affinity for me? Do I set myself up for immediate failure, failure that, in the end, brings me closure and thus, comfort?

For those who do fall for my charm--ha!--I immediately start to panic. I dread the thought of seeing them, I get anxious at the sight of "our" future, I regret ever leading them in that direction.

It would be naive of me to believe that the troubles of my past and the current state of my present aren't related in some form or another. The question is: how I do reconcile the two? Or better yet, is it even possible to do so?

"While I'm Waiting"

Waiting is rough. I don’t like waiting. I think I’m probably the most impatient person that you’ll ever encounter. I think the toughest part of waiting is knowing—and coming to grips with—the fact that I’m not in control. But here’s the thing: if I actually had control of the situation(s), I’d screw everything up… And I know this, and yet I still have an issue with patience (or the lack there of.)

I’m not really scared of the unknown, though. I welcome change, usually. Change is a new beginning; change challenges us to become different individuals from who we were yesterday. Today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and if there was every a day to celebrate change, it’s today.

MLK was an impatient man. Is this concluded by research? No, not in the least, but simply deduced by the man’s actions. He didn’t wait for change, rather, he made change. He called upon the heroism of humanity, the tested and fervent in spirit. He stood and made a motion to revolutionize the world… and it worked.

I guess all this is to say that while I may be impatient, I can still have some say in the commencement of said, “new beginning.” Rather than wait, call about the change yourself.

I’m reminded of proverbial farmers who, having crop-laden fields, prayed for rain. One made his seed ready, planting and toiling ‘til the day’s end. The other slothfully waited and did nothing for the groundwork of the coming harvest season. When the rains finally came, the ready farmer rejoiced as his field was drenched in the much need nourishment, while the other farmer… Well, his prayers were answered in vain.

So, I may not be a patient person… but while I AM waiting, I’m preparing my fields for rain. God will answer eventually, and when He does--and I know He will--I'll be ready. Praise Him for His faithfulness.